Now why do Tesco stock Cliff Richard's 2012 Calendar but not Avril Lavigne's? Donny Osmond also yields no Calendar results. I bet that isn't even Cliff's chest he keeps showing off, his head looks like it was photoshopped on does it not? No-one has seen Cliff for years in public after all, he and Gordon Brown emigrated to France shortly after the 2010 general election with Gordons family following behind. And before you say, "I bet you are some jealous 70 year old", I am 20 years old (not that it matters) and happy with my chest. I regularly smother baby oil along with assorted vegetables onto my stomach and then re-use them for that days dinner. But why the fascination with Cliff? Do people really buy his Calendar to stare at his chest once a month and wish they had the same? It's been ages since I've heard him sing, I was actually shocked when somebody told me if you listen to the Eastenders theme tune carefully you can hear Cliff (Or Harry webber as he is known in fan-fiction circles..or was it Reg Dwight?) wailing along to the music, that's how long it's been since I heard his voice.

But anyway. You all are wondering what the purpose of this post was and as soon as I figure it out I will let you know, right after Cliff figures out his real name and why he denied my request to cover Mistletoe and Wine at Prince Harry and Kate's wedding. I mean Prince Harry and William. I mean Prince Kate and William. Princess Kate and Prince William I mean. Do I? But we all know the real purpose. Yes it's that time of year again where I must climb out of the cupboard and plug my latest Calendar (sound familiar) so I don't have to draw out my pension. Oh sorry. I found a interview with Cliff Richard and started reading out his confession. But I do have a new calendar out. It is called Eevee and Barry-Time well spent. Available at all good bookshops. So yes. It's unfortunately not available in Britain......

Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light completely unrelated to what I'm talking about so we will now move on and forget about it. Or should it be forget about it and move on? Well don't ask Nick Griffin. He doesn't know much about either.