1. Lay your head back against a sofa gently and fully support your baby's head. If you have twins or more children, you could try holding one on the other side of you carefully, or line them up one by one to be milked.
2. Now you and your baby (ies) are comfortable it is time for milking. Casually look around the room or wherever you happen to be and see if there are any council workers (decepticons) or other shameful people who forgot that they themselves were born naked and it should be illegal to tell a mother of for breastfeeding in public. Upon spotting one, send your husband Masood over to tap dance in front of them while shaking all sorts of manners out of the window as you do. If this is not enough to deter, for £5.99 you can purchase a "Human Breast fuss maker trap" to trap those who make a fuss about breastfeeding. If they evade these traps, remember it is best to line them up in a single line as humans tend to be stupid sometimes and quite literally walk into trouble (Oh dear. Blog ratings falling again. The truth hurts you does it?). Now that your pests are out of the way, onto results.
3. Having secured yourself a comfortable spot, with baby eager for a feed and no doubt your husband eager for some cooking once your done, (not the kind that brought the baby into the world in the first place!) you are free to feed your babies as much as you and they want, while your husband in the background tinkers away throwing saucepans around trying to work out how to start an oven. No the toaster does not belong in the microwave. Perhaps that was the cause of last weeks fire after all. If your child shows any signs of discomfort, whisper something soothing, like "Masood, Masood" or if Zainab, pronounce it "Chicken" or "Ma-sod."
-Some people may feel this light hearted spoof with comments on real attitudes of silly people who don't like breastfeeding is stereotypical. Please look up the meaning of that word. Only one who wrote it can say whether it is by whether they mean it. If you did not do something out of fear of being stereotypical, then you would do the other "option", which in the fullness of time would become the new stereotypical. As in other words you're all talking nonsense as mentioning or not mentioning something does not deem something stereotypical, rascist, and so on. Many men can cook, many women can't and on and on but I am a man who was writing about some scenarios that are often true and it not wrong to state something...as just noted..it is true. And if not, well you created your own scenario, what's wrong with that if meaning well and not saying everyone behaves the same. Not everyone breastfeeds, and while it is a great natural thing not just for food but one way of bonding too, some people don't for all different reasons or have difficulty even and that does not "make" them a bad mother, same as Fathers not missing out because they can't breastfeed. There are many ways of bonding and my article mentions breastfeeding as I think it's important to do that and it's not wrong for people to say this and I'm sure everyone was supposed to breastfeed if healthy enough etc but not being able to do so does not mean you are doomed at all, it is one of the many things parents do that I chose to write a spoof on, using a name of an Eastenders character.
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