A slightly surreal and slight exaggeration of our neighbours.

Enjoy :)


Neighbours from Hell


Bang Bang goes my window. Meow Meow goes Brenda. Some people are blessed with normal neighbours but not us. It's been going on for a while but escalated dramatically in recent years now with no sane explanation for their antics. If it's not Brenda swimming naked on our roof it's Alan hammering the final nail into his Time machine he has been building out in his shed he purchased a few years ago to conceal it, only thing is it's been "the final nail" for at least 3 years. You could almost survive a whole day without incident. Almost. One day I was having a sip from my 3rd cup of tea of the day, (to give an inclination of the time of day) when I heard howling. No the T.V. was not on and yes they do have a dog. But this wasn't the wild call of a dog nor of any animal or human I ever heard. It was the wild call of Alan. No-one knows what he wants. Not even his poor wife. I'm not sure why I say that and paint the image as her being the long suffering one, when I recall many occassions when I was reading at night trying to wind down and relax and suddenly I would here, " ALAN! GET YOUR ARSE HERE NOW!" in Brenda's extremely loud and authoritive tone that Optimus prime would be proud of. She can seem good natured despite her laugh sounding like a witch cackling and me half expecting her to rocket of on a broomstick. I wish she would. We all do. Well me and her sons or so they admitted through Facebook....
If you don't get woken up to the sound of "Dean" doing his Otter impressions, then it's one of the other boys handing out more expletives than any American cartoon sitcom. I like to compare them to Transformers relationship setups. I used to see Alan as Megatron but now see Brenda as the tyrant she really is, barking orders at everyone and punishing severely anyone who argues back. Should you be fooled by her "sweetness" it will cost you dearly. While Brenda is Megatron you would assume Alan to be Starscream. But I see no evidence that Alan is plotting to get rid of his wife who he adores greatly as I surprisingly discovered last Valentines day when I was woken up to "Uptown Girl" being blasted out of a giant stereo bigger than his ego, and Alan dancing on our roof and flinging his pants at anyone who walked by from his slingshot.
What do they hope to acheive? We have tried to fathom that for quite sometime. I myself have spent countless time in my study posing questions and answering them myself to try to gain a further understanding into their purpose in life and not only that but what species they are. One seems to be a werewolf and one a human. The others undecided/unconfirmed. In a new development it was revealed one has had a child with what we believe was a human which raises many questions as to if the child will be human and what species is this that can cross-breed with humans? Hmmm indeed.
Brenda onced promised to bring round mince pies for me and my girlfriend but accidentely sat on my girlfriend so that was the end of her. I used to like Brenda though, apart from getting rid of my girlfriend for me and setting me free she used to be a good cook. Up until she started trimming Alan's hair for her dumpling surprise recipe. And collected our Rabbits fur for her world famous chewy milk cookie pasta bake. We used to support her no matter what. Even when she came round our house when I had friends over and she picked up a spoon and desperately tried to flick cornflakes down my female guests tops, and when failing casually lifted their tops and bras up to force them there. We explained to my friends Brenda was under a lot of stress and she was acting out of character, despite her regularly appearing on the news for sneaking aboard planes to Africa to steal bananas to sell on to her husband.
Dean is a funny one. A failed mechanic born in Toronoto to a Japanese man named  "Yoshimitsu", he returned to Rush Green Road in 2004 to challenge Brenda for the title of man of the house. After he was defeated, Brenda enslaved him and stopped him from socialising with anyone who didn't possess a howling ability.
The "Other boys", as we call them, are called so because we know not of their names or where they came from and even when they arrived is shrouded in mystery. One weilds a light saber and the other a ego to rival his fathers. Both are dangerous and should not be approached. They seem to be mentally linked to Alan as he can summon them just by nodding his head.
Here is an extract from my diary when we went round their house for christmas dinner once.

"As Brenda slowly rose her head from her plate of mash potato and looked around the room for someone to intimidate, her mad eyes bulging and her face forever imprinted on her plate, I pulled a cracker with Dean and received a screw inside. "These are homemade crackers" said Dean. Apparently he and Alan spent all day gathering loose parts from their garage to use as gifts and got Brenda to dribble on the crackers to keep them sealed.  Chelsey was slowly removing peas from her Orange juice after Brenda insisted on dropping them in despite her protests."