9/5

Eyes tired. Body tired. Briefly ended hunger strike so I have energy for Saturday's teaching which is still long way off. Thinking of taking a new vow of silence in protest of humanity's filth. No word from friends today. Day and night of silence instead. Filmed Joshina video but too afraid to send. Saj's lies causing intense panic and fear of him creaeting more; feel like I need to do something else to try and cope with pain. Will be cutting myself within days, I think. Started email to Preet Gill. Wanted shower today but has not happened. Washed two white tshirts. Laptop did not succesfully resume from hibernation so I had to start from beginning. All work seems to have been recovered.

It scares me the ease with which I was able to stop eating for days. I have been in a state of depression and emptiness for most of my life.